Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
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If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”