What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
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up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.