I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
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You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.