You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
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I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old