Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
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Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy