Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
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Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
i think both sides are to blame here
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.