Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
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I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn