Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
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The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
how long have you had this for?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.