“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
You Might Also Like
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.