flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
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Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.