HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE