It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
You Might Also Like
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
And now we wait
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?