Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
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One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler