restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
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WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?