Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]