A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
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I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered