When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
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I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
work smarter, not harder
BaD BoY!!
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me