[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
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I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Mhm.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you