My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.