me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
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REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad