{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
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Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
this is uni
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Roses are red
Violets are blue
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.