Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
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cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
That’s it.I’m out.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Quadruple digit IQ
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.