In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
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Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama