[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
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[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
This chloroform smells expensiv…
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever