“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
You Might Also Like
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.