DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
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I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
You learn something every day
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle