t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
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If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Money is the root of all wealth
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is