No Google it does not
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In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!