I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
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Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.