Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
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That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
But I really needed water water water
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
listen closely
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
That’s fair
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three