I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
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Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
sleeping beauty
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Perfection.
Nice try, poison.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here