Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
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As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
😜
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk