Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
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How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!