[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Natty or not?
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.