My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.