Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old