I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
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Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.