You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
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There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants