[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
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FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal