The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom π πππππππ
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Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I donβt know, and I donβt care.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you canβt remember why you came upstairs.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
IKEA is Swedish for βdivorce labyrinth.β
ME: donβt involve me in your bullshit
SON: itβs called homework
I donβt buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parentβs house like an adult
9am: βRight, thatβs my sandwich made ready for lunchtimeβ
9.05am: βRight, thatβs that sandwich eatenβ
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20βs on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
i often counter someoneβs dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name