DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
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*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit