I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.