They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
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Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
The point of your 20s
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign