Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
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I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
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Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.