[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
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Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.