A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
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Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…