Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
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WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that