Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
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Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync