If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
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Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
this has to be peak English
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.