🖤✌🏽
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I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Just me and my debit card against the world
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?